If you've read previous posts, you know that I have chronic pain.
If you know me as a person, you know I'm extremely proud.
I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that those two things can't coexist.
I'd always had minor aches and pains, but everything went downhill when I was pregnant with my son. They didn't get better like I had expected them to, and It took a very long time for me to admit that. One of my biggest struggles was admitting I needed to use the electric carts when grocery shopping. It took A LOT of pressure from my husband, but I finally gave in and started using them. I've been doing that for about a year and a half, and it has made shopping a lot easier on me. But my pain is only getting worse, because I have a toddler and I don't get enough physical rest. Tyler's latest project has been convincing me that I need a wheelchair, or at least a walker or cane. And my first response was, of course, hell no. I'm twenty years old. I don't want to be crippled. I don't want to admit that I can walk for half an hour on a GOOD day. I don't want to admit that I'm physically not well enough to live a normal life right now.
The thing is... that's all true.
Whether I like it or not, this is becoming my reality. And denying it hurts me, and hurts my family. Rather than finding excuses to stay home, I should be looking for ways to get out. I owe that to my son, who's been stuck in the house five or six days a week for the majority of his life.
So I'm getting a wheelchair, and a new set of goals.
I'm going to accept this, and learn to thrive in spite of it -- rather than pretending it doesn't exist.
I'm going to do everything I can to get stronger -- without denying that I'm weak.
I'm going to shrug off the stares and the self-consciousness -- rather than letting other peoples' expectations affect my quality of life.
I'm going to find a new way to define myself that isn't limited by my disabilities -- rather than trying to force myself into a mold I don't fit.
Because you know what? I'm a pretty decent mom, and a good cook. I'm a loving wife. A decent writer. I dream bigger than anyone I know, and I have the gift of optimism in the darkest of situations.
I'm going to suck it up and deal with this, because I'm going to be okay -- even on the days that I'm not.